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Can I Get A Witness . . . Or, At Least, A Bra That Fits?





Photo: Getty Images

I need a new bra that fits. I've worn my sports bras to far too many dance and yoga classes and no amount of hand washing in special lingerie soap can snap them back into shape. The black lacey bra in my top dresser drawer must have been mistakenly put there by someone twenty years younger with perky boobs and a slim--very slim--midriff. And the muted mauve padded bra? My breasts are large. How large you ask? At this point, I don't have a clue because cup sizes have moved into the stratosphere with Fs and Gs and Hs that sound more like grades or income tax classifications.


When I was around eleven or twelve, my mother dragged me to her favorite lingerie store to be measured for my first bra. Now my mother, a force of nature, was barely 5 feet in her stocking feet and had a lower body commensurate in size. But her torso, mostly her breasts, belonged to another woman entirely. They pulled her small frame forward and were, I'm sure, a burden to lug around. (It dawns on me that perhaps her mother, my grandmother, had gifted her those breasts when hers were removed due to breast cancer. Only once when she was dressing in front of a bedroom mirror did I catch a glimpse of the loose skin that hung where full-bodied breasts should have been. I didn't understand.)


I don't think I ever wore a trainer bra but passed GO and went straight to a B cup. And after a good dose of estrogen, I moved into a C. It's no wonder that my first true love at age sixteen was so anxious to cop a feel.


These days, my biggest challenge is finding a bra that doesn't feel like I've been selected to see how long I can wear such a tortuous piece of lingerie before I rip the thing off, stomp on it multiple times, and then donate it to Goodwill. Though skeptical of finding the right bra online without ever trying it on, I decided to give it a go. A girl has to do what a girl has to do. Right? I tried out ThirdLove. https://www.thirdlove.com/ Their claim to fame is that you can take their Fit Quiz and find the "perfect fit without stepping into a dressing room." That's what I was afraid of.



ThirdLove

I eagerly took the quiz and was certain I'd found the right bra for me. Then it arrived. The bottom of my boobs fell out below the wire, and the material was barely strong enough to hold the rest in place. That bra has taken its place among the scores of others that are in the "Maybe Some Day" category.


Still, on the hunt, I gave it another shot with Glamorise, the company that boasts the perfect bras for "full-figured women." glamorise.com Hmm . . . that would be me. "Comfort." "Support." "Confidence." By this time, I could have used a dose of all three. For a change, I ordered a bra that snaps in the front. Why not? Adding a bit a spice seemed like a good idea. Well, it wasn't. The snaps were difficult to close. Okay, so maybe that was the price I had to pay. Alas, by mid-day, no price would offset the discomfort I felt in my cleavage underneath those nifty snaps that rubbed my skin the wrong way.


Back to square one. And, dear friend, please don't suggest that I go braless. That wouldn't have worked as a young woman and it sure as hell won't work now!





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